


triggered (in the sickest way possible)

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Angst, Gen, Hurt Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jealousy, Sad Ending, Sibling Rivalry, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:46:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27448834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Remus just wanted to be something.Something good, something nice, something like.. Roman.But, really, he should've known that wasn't possible.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	triggered (in the sickest way possible)

**Author's Note:**

> TWS: UNHEALTHY/TOXIC MINDSET, ROMANTICIZATION OF SELF INJURY
> 
> lmk if there's more, <3!!

**_you sent my mind on fire_ **

Remus used to be a good kid.

Well, Remus used to try to be the good kid.

He tried.

Tried to be like Roman.

His brother, the good one, the nice one.

Remus tried to be like Roman.

Remus tried to be better.

Tried to be good.

But he just.. couldn't.

It wasn't.. him.

It was _Roman_.

He wasn't his brother, and he refused to act like it.

Except.. did he?

No.

No, he didn't, because as he found himself punishing himself for every little thing that he got criticized for or every little thing that Roman could've done better, he realized he'd already started.

He was already trying to be like his brother.

He was already trying to be a good kid.

He was already trying to change himself.

He was already trying to be loved.

For once, if he pushed himself enough, if he punished himself enough, if he trained himself enough, maybe he could have a chance of being loved.

Maybe.

_**sparks flying i'm rewired** _

As Remus continued to train himself, to punish himself, to shape himself into someone like Roman, he'd find himself being more tolerable to other people.

More likeable, even if not by much. 

Now people could hold a conversation with him.

People didn't avoid him at all costs, instead he was more like something annoying but not so much so that you'd go out of your way to avoid it, he was nothing more than an annoyance to them now.

He was doing better.

He was getting better.

Better.

More able to be around.

More likable.

More nice.

More smart.

More.. clean.

More friendly.

More easy to be around.

More like a good kid.

More like the good kid.

More like his brother.

More like Roman.

Just like Roman.

He was almost like Roman now.

He was copying Roman's every act.

He just wanted to be Roman.

To be liked like Roman.

To be loved like Roman.

_**you left me no desire** _

Remus didn't want anything else if that meant he could be half as what Roman is.

Half as good as Roman.

Half as nice as Roman.

Half as decent ad Roman.

Half as liked as Roman.

Half as loved as Roman.

God, Remus wouldn't ever ask for anything else if he could just be _half_ , fucking half, of what Roman is.

Of what Roman gets.

Roman gets good grades, Roman gets praised, Roman gets to go on shopping spree's, Roman gets gifts, Roman gets spoiled, Roman gets appreciated.

Roman gets love.

And.. Remus doesn't.

He never did.

Ever since they were little, his parents picked a favorite.

A good kid.

A behaved kid.

A nice kid.

His brother.

His twin fucking brother.

Roman.

_**broken and uninspired** _

Ever since it became evident who was the favorite, the good one, the liked one, Remus hadn't been feeling good.

He doesn't even deserve to feel good.

He never would.

Remus had tried to kill himself many times before.

He'd lost count around the tenth one.

They'd always fail, as most of them were overdose, and his body was apparently not ready to give up just yet.

Some of them were hanging, but he'd always pass out to find the rope snapped in two and his neck bruised.

Some were slicing his wrists, but he could never go deeper than fat.

Pity.

What a fucking shame.

He'll get there one day.

One day, he'll be enough, he'll do enough.

He'll hurt enough.

One day.

Hopefully soon.

_**i feel you all conspire** _

Remus can hear them, his brother, his classmates, talking about possible reasons why Remus isn't being his normal, creepy, shitty self. 

Talking about what could've possibly happened to make Remus different all of a sudden.

Talking about how it's weird.

Talking about how it's almost concerning.

Talking about how he must've finally gotten punished enough to snap out of his bullshit.

Talking about how he's so much easier to tolerate now.

Talking about him.

Remus heard them, he heard all of them.

He took it as a sign he was doing good.

Changes were noticable.

Turns out all the nights he'd spend cutting and carving into his skin as a punishment, going deeper and deeper until he felt like he was going to pass out ( _and sometimes, he would pass out_ ) or carve harsh words or reminders of what not to do, finally must've started paying off.

Finally, he was doing something right.

Finally, he was doing something good.

Finally.

It doesn't matter how much it hurts.

Doesn't matter how painful and unbearable it seems, or feels.

Doesn't matter.

Nothing does, not when he's finally getting somewhere.

**_left all alone with liars_ **

As he got harsher with his punishments, he finally made somewhat of a friend!

He finally had a friend!

Yay!!

He was finally getting somewhere.

He could finally do this.

He could finally have a chance to be liked.

Loved, maybe, but liked is more than Remus could've ever hoped to achieve! 

Fuck yeah!

His punishments and training were working!

Just imagine what he could get done if he kept this up..

He could do so much, go so far.

Be so many things, experience so many things.

His friend was great at first!

His friend, Janus, was amazing!

He was an outcast, just like Remus!

They got along pretty well.

But.. Remus couldn't help but notice those worried glaces Janus would give him sometimes, when he thought the other wasn't looking.

Why would he be worried?

This Remus is better!

He's good!

He's finally good.

There's no reason to be worried, especially not for Remus, especially when he's finally being good.

But then Janus started to tell Remus that he'd always be there for him.

What the fuck?

What the fuck..

What?!

But he was _better_ now!

He was good now!

He tried to tell Janus that, but he wasn't listening.

He just kept saying how he cared about Remus and like him just the way he was before and that he doesn't and shouldn't need it want to change because to Janus, he's already perfect.

Remus knew that was bullshit.

Remus knew he was lying.

Why would his only friend want to make him lose all of his progress?

Why would his friend not want the best for him?

Why would Janus fucking say that?!

Remus blew up at Janus, and after that, Remus went back to being alone.

Janus would try to talk to him, but Remus kept ignoring him until Janus took the hint and left.

Left Remus alone again.

And Remus started falling again.

_**hopeless, so i get higher** _

He'd taken to weed to take his mind off things.

It helped.

It made him feel high, high above all his problems, high above Roman, high above Janus, high above himself.

Above his punishments.

Above his parents.

Above his pain.

Above everything.

Everything that's ever troubled him.

Everything he'd wished he could get away from.

Everything that he had a problem with.

Everything.

It helped.

Even if for only a few hours.

Even for a few hours, he'd much rather have that than everything else.

Anything else.

If he couldn't be good, nice, and like Roman, then at least he could forgot everything.

Then at least, hopefully, one day he won't be here at all.

If he can't be good, nice, likeable, _Roman_ , then at least he didn't have to _be_ at all.

_**and higher 'til i'm tired** _

Sometimes the high wouldn't be enough.

So, he'd cut, carve, anything to make it go away, to make the high be enough, to make himself be enough for fucking once dammit-

Sometimes he'd try to kill himself again.

Sometimes he'd just stand there with a knife or blade to his wrist, hovering over the veins.

Sometimes he'd just stand there with a pull bottle in his hands, hands clamped around the lid.

Sometimes he'd just stand there with a rope in his hands, sometimes he'd hang it too, sometimes he'd put himself in it without kicking the chair over.

Sometimes he'd just stand there, thinking about suicide.

The east way out.

The coward's way out.

The weak way out.

The way out that his brother would never take.

The way out that his parents would be glad Remus took.

The way out that kids at his school told him to take.

The way out that Remus knew he'd take someday.

The way out that Remus knew would be the way he went since he was nine.

The way out that Remus accepted he'd take long ago.

The way out that Remus tried to take so many times before.

The way out that Remus would try again soon.

_**and there's no reminder** _

Remus knew he'd commit suicide one day or another.

He just.. knew.

He always knew.

Ever since he was a fucking child, he knew.

He knew.

So, it really shouldn't be shocking how many times he's tried to do just that.

It shouldn't be, but..

Sometimes, just sometimes, Remus felt bad for himself.

His frequent suicide attempts would be worrying if he was anyone but himself.

He'd be so fucking concerned if anyone else did what he did.

But.. it's not.

It's Remus, it's what Remus has done, what he keeps doing.

So, he really doesn't feel too bad.

~~_-or does he?-_ ~~

No, he doesn't.

**_of what i'm crying for_ **

Remus didn't know.

He didn't know anything.

Not much.

Not much of anything.

All he knew was that he would never be anything like his brother, and that he should kill himself.

He should kill himself.

He really should.

What is there to live for anyways?

Nothing.

There never was anything.

He'd just told himself that, that he could be better, that he could be like Roman even in the slightest amount, then everything would be worth it.

It wouldn't, even if he could've been half of his brother.

It never would've.

Nothing's worth it.

Nothing ever has been worth it.

His uncountable suicide attempts should show that.

There's nothing, and there never has been.

Not for Remus, at least.

Never for Remus.

So.. there was only one thing to do now.

One last thing.

One last things that he'd do right.

That he'd finally do right.

Finally.

And he did.

He did it.

He did it, and he did it right.

**_cause i can't fucking do this anymore_ **

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah anyway i'm back 
> 
> but maybe not really idk
> 
> oh and i've never had weed so idk how that works
> 
> song by SkyDxddy


End file.
